Belinda's Diary

This question is a constant from my clients and I tell them they need to start by being willing to learn how to speak and listen to each other and get curious about what they truly think and feel. I also say it might take time but it is definitely possible if two people are willing to add in new behaviours and let the old ways, that are not working, drop away.

It might be helpful to check how much pleasure you, as a female-identified human, are bringing into your space with your male partner, as nourishment and aliveness are wonderful currency for a sustainable relationship

Most of us have not been taught how to have pleasurable sexual experiences with each other, let alone speak confidently in detail about our needs. It is a bonus if it makes sense to both humans. Even if it feels uncomfortable and awkward, a couple can feel more deeply connected when they hear their partner voice their feelings openly.

I like to encourage humans to get more curious about their whole body, instead of going straight for the pleasure in the genitals. Mostly we have been taught to go straight for the instant gold, but this repeated over and over in the same spot can hinder humans from experiencing playful, loving 'in the moment' pleasurable sex. Our brains can get in the way! You might like to try something different!

The science and research tells us that couples that maintain a sexual connection long-term prioritise having regular sexual pleasure together.

I was reminded recently by one of my mentors, the wonderful Esther Perel, that Love is a Verb and for those of you who might remember their school English, a verb is what they call a doing word, ie it means you have to do something, take action. All these actions are ‘cushioning’ for your relationship.‍ And when the ‘cushioning’ thins out and you have stopped doing the things you used to do regularly that you both enjoyed, this means you have NOT been conjugating the verb LOVE.

Show Me Love can mean so many different things to different people Somehow it is always assumed that if you are with a partner that you actually love each other, and maybe for you that is the case. Or maybe you just are not sure as their behaviour does not feel very loving. Here is a series of questions that might prompt you to understand what LOVE actually means to you and how important it is or is not in your relationship.

Do you notice when you are speaking, can you tell if your partner is really listening to you or not? Or do you feel that he or she has ‘left the building’ as it were? In other words, they are thinking about something else. When humans feel seen, heard, and understood by their partner this creates safety to share more of themselves and leads to the sensual intimacy you both desire

Why is it that a couple needs to have the same sex drive as each other?‍ Why does one partner start to feel resentment because they are not getting the sex they want or crave?‍ Why does the other partner feel guilty for not wanting the same amount of sex as their partner?‍ All great questions‍ and I say nothing is wrong here! This is just excellent information for a couple to be aware of then have a conversation!

By working actively on meeting your partner’s needs and being there for them, you get your own needs met. It is an ongoing practice, but this is what thriving relationships require. When your relationship feels loving, and respectful and has many moments of lightness intimacy naturally flows. There is less irritation and resentment and more laughter and playfulness!

Did you know that you are probably stuck in a pattern that is clearly a reactive style of communicating? You know how it goes….. You say something, your partner then reacts and starts to justify their why or turns whatever it is you are discussing, back on you and you then have a reaction and so it goes around and around like this, until you are almost about to self-combust. And the sad part is there is no good outcome. In fact, the more you stay in this pattern, it will just be sucking any goodness and kindness towards each other out of your relationship.

Relationships between consenting adults need to be taken a look at. What is going on more and more is when your relationship is not going how YOU would like it to, humans are blaming each other!‍ And this is getting no human anywhere nearer to what they truly want. On answer to get what you want from your partner in your committed relationship is to honour the relationship you both have committed to. And delve into how your nervous system and brain are coping when you get triggered by your partner. More often than not we are operating from a young part of our brain, rather than the adult part!

Do you often think to yourself “I wish we could share something about our relationship with each other and it feels like it is not going to end up in an argument? There is a simple way to do this …… and it involves consent, a timer, and taking turns listening and not interrupting!

Why is it that you think you have a problem when your partner doesn’t want to have sex with you when you want it? Could this just be information? And can you find a way to commit to Intimacy and start there by eliminating either of you being right or wrong about the why you have different needs?

Honestly, every time I have a call with a man the first thing on his desires list is spontaneous sex! For him, it is about when he feels turned on and being able to act on it, without having to pull himself back from having a sexual impulse. And hey I get it that a man should be able to be sexually spontaneous and act on his impulses but when there is another human involved, namely a woman he is in love with, this mostly does not end up working out well!

The mysterious clitoris has a beautiful part to play when women are wondering if something is wrong with them because they cannot achieve an orgasm with their partner during penetrative sex. There is also this huge lack of education about exactly how both men’s and women’s sexual anatomy works.

As adults, it is up to us to take responsibility for the atmosphere we create in our homes. And you need a balance of real emotions. Yes, anger is fine but love and kindness need to be there too! When two humans do not agree on something it is a sign that one or both need to get their point across, hence an argument or strong conversation begins! But imagine if you met up regularly and discussed current affairs in your relationship and family life and how you both honestly feel about what is going on. Can you imagine taking time to have these honest connecting conversations instead of arguments?

So this is a connection practice for any couple who would like to try it, knowing it might make you want to eye gaze more often. During sensual play and deep erotic intimacy, the pleasure can accelerate when you become super present with each other, as you make eye contact.

Are you noticing that the honeymoon period (yes, it’s a thing!) is over in your relationship? Imagine if, rather than giving up, going quiet, or playing small - you doubled down on your relationship instead! 

Books are a wonderful way to ease yourself gently into enquiring about sex and relationships. Sometimes you can get wonderful validation about what might be going on in your own body or relationship. 

Something not many people also do not talk about is how do you rekindle intimacy after the birth of your baby or when this should happen.‍ And my answer is there are no dos or don’ts. You do it when you are ready!

This is a theme this month for many couples!‍ Are you avoiding intimacy or sex with your partner and it is becoming a habit?

Are you feeling disconnected from your partner, because of busyness or you both just cannot seem to prioritise any intimacy? 

One of the simplest ways to start tuning back into your sexual self is to practice a simple pussy breathing practice regularly.