How to feel more confident talking about sex by watching TV!

Do you struggle to talk to your partner about sex?

Do you struggle to talk about what you like and what you want to try with them in bed?

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This is what I hear from so many clients -

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“ I don’t know how to start the conversation about sexual intimacy”

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“I don’t even have the vocabulary to talk about sex! I feel embarrassed!”

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“ I wish I knew how to approach the subject without hurting my partner’s feelings”

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“I am too embarrassed to ask for this..”

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And all of it makes so much sense to me.    

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Most of us have not been taught how to have pleasurable sexual experiences with each other, let alone speak confidently in detail about our needs. It is important that it makes sense to both humans. Even if it feels uncomfortable and awkward, it can feel deeply connecting to hear your partner voice their feelings openly.

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Many people grew up fumbling around under the bed covers, often in an inebriated state, trying this and trying that and not really checking in with our partners to see if whatever we were doing felt good to them! Sometimes it did and that was OK! No words required. But more often than not it can show up over time, the lack of easy conversations that literally will change your sexual experiences.  

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Often many of us just lay there and waited for our partner to do whatever they wanted

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Often many of us did not say anything when it hurt or it did not feel good!

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Often many of us did not have the confidence or the vocabulary to let their partners know what they wanted 

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Sex and Intimacy 101 certainly wasn’t on offer at any school I went to!

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It might have saved years of unmet sexual needs and frustration and often the sheer resignation of literally saying nothing and making do! Uggh!

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If you are relating to any of the above, you might like to start watching some of the educational programmes available on Netflix. 

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The two I highly recommend are -

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1. The Principles of Pleasure - sex, joy and modern science converge in a celebreation of women’s pleasure and puts stubborn myths to rest

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2. Sex, Love and Goop - with the help of experts, couples learn lessons and methods to enhance their relationships through more pleasurable sex and deeper intimacy

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You might also like to watch these programmes with your partner.  It can spark some curiosity about the subject and get you thinking about how you might like to approach it with each other.   Get a conversation going and notice, with practice, it can become easier to speak without feeling any sense of awkwardness.

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Very few people feel desire if there is any demand or harsh conversations about this subject. If one of you is feeling resentful around anything sex or intimacy related in your relationship, it is important to note that, if you bring blame or shame into your conversation with your partner, it will not end well!

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It is helpful if you let you partner know that you want a conversation and then find a time that suits you both. This lets them know that you have respect and care for them

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It is always the best idea to keep the conversation light and ask open-ended questions

eg. What would you like to experience around pleasure in our relationship?

Is there anything in particular that you would like to try?

What did you learn from watching that programme together?

How did it make you feel?

What was something you learned that you didn’t know before?

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Remember - practice practice practice and you will experience change!!

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