Do you struggle to talk to your partner about sex?
Do you struggle to talk about what you like and what you want to try with them in bed?
This is what I hear from so many clients -
“ I don’t know how to start the conversation about sexual intimacy”
“I don’t even have the vocabulary to talk about sex! I feel embarrassed!”
“ I wish I knew how to approach the subject without hurting my partner’s feelings”
“I am too embarrassed to ask for this..”
And all of it makes so much sense to me.
Most of us have not been taught how to have pleasurable sexual experiences with each other, let alone speak confidently in detail about our needs. It is important that it makes sense to both humans. Even if it feels uncomfortable and awkward, it can feel deeply connecting to hear your partner voice their feelings openly.
Many people grew up fumbling around under the bed covers, often in an inebriated state, trying this and trying that and not really checking in with our partners to see if whatever we were doing felt good to them! Sometimes it did and that was OK! No words required. But more often than not it can show up over time, the lack of easy conversations that literally will change your sexual experiences.
Often many of us just lay there and waited for our partner to do whatever they wanted
Often many of us did not say anything when it hurt or it did not feel good!
Often many of us did not have the confidence or the vocabulary to let their partners know what they wanted
Sex and Intimacy 101 certainly wasn’t on offer at any school I went to!
It might have saved years of unmet sexual needs and frustration and often the sheer resignation of literally saying nothing and making do! Uggh!
If you are relating to any of the above, you might like to start watching some of the educational programmes available on Netflix.
The two I highly recommend are -
You might also like to watch these programmes with your partner. It can spark some curiosity about the subject and get you thinking about how you might like to approach it with each other. Get a conversation going and notice, with practice, it can become easier to speak without feeling any sense of awkwardness.
Very few people feel desire if there is any demand or harsh conversations about this subject. If one of you is feeling resentful around anything sex or intimacy related in your relationship, it is important to note that, if you bring blame or shame into your conversation with your partner, it will not end well!
It is helpful if you let you partner know that you want a conversation and then find a time that suits you both. This lets them know that you have respect and care for them
It is always the best idea to keep the conversation light and ask open-ended questions
eg. What would you like to experience around pleasure in our relationship?
Is there anything in particular that you would like to try?
What did you learn from watching that programme together?
How did it make you feel?
What was something you learned that you didn’t know before?
Remember - practice practice practice and you will experience change!!
I often hear this question! What truly matters is whether your intimate moments are fulfilling and mutually satisfying and how you go about getting that information in a loving kind respectful way
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This question is a constant from my clients and I tell them they need to start by being willing to learn how to speak and listen to each other and get curious about what they truly think and feel. I also say it might take time but it is definitely possible if two people are willing to add in new behaviours and let the old ways, that are not working, drop away.
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It might be helpful to check how much pleasure you, as a female-identified human, are bringing into your space with your male partner, as nourishment and aliveness are wonderful currency for a sustainable relationship
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