Honestly every time I have a call with a man the first thing on his desires list is spontaneous sex!
And he doesn’t just mention it once but usually twice or even thrice lol!
For him it is about when he feels turned on and being able to act on it, without having to pull himself back from having a sexual impulse
The truth of the matter is it rarely happens how most men envisage it!
And hey I get it that a man should be able to be sexually spontaneous and act on his impulses but when there is another human involved, namely a woman he is in love with, this mostly does not end up working out well.
So what about women?
Many women love sex and are totally open to spontaneous sex. This can happen after a hot day at the beach and you are both about to shower down and you feel it all in the moment and away you go! Or else after watching a sexy movie together or even just when you are on vacation and are feeling relaxed as with no family responsibilities to occupy your thoughts! And it can feel soooo good!
And many women definitely think that spontaneous sex is overrated!
I hear from many women that they prefer sex to be planned and then it will go really well!
I also know that women like to be organised and ready ie they feel happier when they have showered and have the scene set ie sexy soft music playing, candles for low lighting and its warm and cosy plus they are wearing something that makes them feel hot and sexy. And this takes a little planning!
I know a couple might both like the idea of spontaneously having sex when they are randomly doing the dishes or some other daily chore, but the practicalities are just not there - so our minds can picture it but following through just feels impossible!
Factually many women take longer than men to become aroused and spontaneous sex is usually rushed or quick, and often both people do not get a happy ending!
If you want great sex with a woman, get over the idea that if it is not spontaneous it is not sexy! And get good at planning for it!
This will get her used to looking forward to being with you, so you can both have really satisfying sex that she is ready for!
Women love confident men, so if you plan for it, it is a huge turn on!
And …..you can build up the desire with texts or flirting.
It lets her know that this is important to you and you want to make it special for her and that you get that amazing sex takes time!
Of course any communication about spontaneous sex between a couple is highly encouraged with curious compassionate questioning.
This question is a constant from my clients and I tell them they need to start by being willing to learn how to speak and listen to each other and get curious about what they truly think and feel. I also say it might take time but it is definitely possible if two people are willing to add in new behaviours and let the old ways, that are not working, drop away.
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It might be helpful to check how much pleasure you, as a female-identified human, are bringing into your space with your male partner, as nourishment and aliveness are wonderful currency for a sustainable relationship
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Most of us have not been taught how to have pleasurable sexual experiences with each other, let alone speak confidently in detail about our needs. It is a bonus if it makes sense to both humans. Even if it feels uncomfortable and awkward, a couple can feel more deeply connected when they hear their partner voice their feelings openly.
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