Learn to argue respectfully - you owe it to your kids!

Do you argue with your partner?

‍

Whether you do or you don’t that is perfectly OK!

‍

If you do ….  what is your style ?

‍

Do you take turns to let each other know how you are truly feeling and sometimes it gets a little heated and other times you both start laughing because you just cannot see each others’ point of view?   And you realise what is the use of continuing because this argument/conversation is going nowhere.  So perhaps it is best to take a break and decided how important it is to keep going.  Or you decide let’s talk about it tomorrow and see if our perspective has changed. And if it hasn’t how is the best way to speak honestly without having to raise our voices to make ourselves heard?

‍

Or is it using words that feel hurtful and you notice your partner shuts down ie they go quiet and just want to leave or disappear

‍

Or do you use words that trigger each other and make you both get vicious and say things you wish you hadn’t said in the heat of the moment?

‍

I ask you these questions because if you have children that live with you and your arguing feels like it has become a pattern in your relationship, it is time to take a look at what is really going on here.

‍

But firstly if you have children in ear shot, or even if they are not, they can hear you, they can feel your anger and aggression.  They can also feel your love for each other.  Children are like sponges they feel everything and I mean everything.  But if they are young they cannot express how it makes them feel plus they cannot always interpret what the arguing means and can make up stories in their own minds.

‍

As adults it is up to us to take responsibility for the atmosphere you create in your home.  And you need a balance of real emotions.  Yes anger is fine but love and kindness need to be there too! 

‍

When two humans do not agree on something it is a sign that one or both need to get their point across, hence an argument or strong conversation begins!

‍

But imagine if you met up regularly and discussed current affairs in your relationship and family life and how you both honestly feel about what is going on?

‍

Can you imagine taking time to have these honest connecting conversations instead of  arguments?

‍

I hear you thinking then telling me, we just don’t have time to do this!

‍

And my reply is Why Not?

‍

Communication is KEY in relationships and even more important in the current times we are living in!

‍

We are over stimulated by so much information from iphones, ipads, screens, TVs, podcasts that it is so overwhelming at times to even remind yourselves what you truly believe and feel.

‍

The point of meeting regularly with your partner to have a conversation about what is happening in your own worlds and sharing this with your partner, is so you will be ‘on the same page’ with each other.   You might feel more empathy to your partner if you understand they are having a difficult time with their job or a family member or one of their children.

‍

When two humans can each hear what is going on for their significant other they are more likely to feel kindness and genuine care and love for each other.

‍

This art of checking in with each other seems to be getting lost in the ‘busyness’ of our daily lives.

‍

Humans seem more content to turn to their devices for comfort than each other more and more it seems!

‍

If you want less arguing in your relationship, you need to stop doing what you are currently doing, and find a new way to communicate.

‍

Here is something to try when you have been arguing about a particular topic or you have a longstanding issue in your relationship - 

‍

1. Choose the topic you are going to have a conversation about and you will speak one by

one 

2. Decide who will start talking and who will listen

3. Once the first person has spoken you will pause and take 3 nice easy breaths together     

and then the next person will speak

‍

Keep in mind that when you start talking, talk for as long as you feel necessary, with the awareness that you are having a conversation, so when you are done speaking, both of you take 3 slow easy breaths TOGETHER

Then it is time for you to swap and your partner will begin talking for as long as they feel necessary, then both of you pause and take 3 slow easy breaths TOGETHER

‍

Keep repeating this until you feel the conversation has run out and you both feel you have spoken

‍

KEY points - 

* No one ever speaks before pausing with 3 slow easy breaths TOGETHER, except for 

the first sharing 

* This trains your nervous system to slow down in a conversation, especially in heated 

conversations

* This can create a shift from warlike behaviour into a relaxed and loving approach to each 

other

‍