How do we get over this hurdle of not having sex?

My answer is - it will take time but it is definitely possible

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This is how to start is to get back into communication and connection generally

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First, WHAT NOT TO DO!

Do not complain, speak harshly about each other or get into a conversation where you are trying to justify your points of view.   Any of this behaviour does not encourage good feelings between you, let alone sexual intimate thoughts or feelings.

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Prioritise your relationship   

Find 30 minutes or 1 hour and go for a walk together or share a meal together  

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Try and focus just on each other   

Refrain from talking about children if you have them, or family or work.

Yes I know, sometimes when we focus on this, we realise that we only talk about work or family. Break this cycle

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Ask questions about each other 

Get curious.   

As questions like -

What makes you happy?   

Remind me when was the last time we did something together that you really enjoyed?   

What do you remember about when we first met?    

What was something you have never asked me, but are curious about?   

Once you are talking again you start to create a sense of safety to share more about yourself.

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Listen to your partner without interrupting them. 

Wait until they have finished speaking before you respond, even if you want to jump in with a comment!

Your response needs to be what you heard and check in with them if you heard it all correctly.

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Introduce questions about sexual intimacy

Ask each other, how does it make you feel that we are not being intimate?

What are you most afraid of about the lack of sexual intimacy?

How is it affecting you?

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Add in questions about what do you appreciate about me 

This encourages you to focus on what you love about each other and reinforces safety in your relationship. It reminds you of why you first met and what you might be forgetting to let each other know

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Remember when you focus on what is working and what you do like about each other, this literally forms new neural pathways in your brain that help you feel relaxed and often safe enough to be honest with each other 

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These are foundational tools to reconnect and start honest communication that leads to you both feeling seen and heard

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