How to Reconnect with your Partner

Clients come to me saying things like …..

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* We have a very busy life and can’t find time to connect

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* I feel sad that we have rare moments of connection and its not the experience of marriage that we both envisioned

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* We grew apart instead of coming together so we would like to find a way to move forward together

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There is always a constant theme when I hear couples use all these words.

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The theme is how they communicate to connect with each other and how this impacts their relationship over time. There is a way back if you feel disconnected with each other!

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Mostly we did not study how to have the most effective communication in any relationship let alone long term relationships 

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Mostly we have learned from the modelling we received from our caregivers or parents.  This means how these people in your early childhood treated you and treated each other, if you had two parents or caregivers, was what you experienced as how you connect and communicate in a relationship

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Sure, you are adults now, and many people take courses on how to listen, how to present yourself, how to be yourself, how to talk so people will listen and many other similar subjects.  Plus with the plethora of podcasts and self help advice on social media, it has almost become this overwhelming amount of information to digest, if you do realise that you need to do something about it and are looking for some advice or guidance.

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I like to bring a couple back to these questions -

* How do you listen   

* Do you know how to listen?

* How do you know your partner is listening to you?

* How does it make you feel when you are talking and your partner is listening?

* How would you like to feel when you are talking and being truly listened to?

* Who likes to interrupt?

* Who likes to explain their point of view when their partner is trying to sharing theirs?

* How does that make each of you feel?

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What comes out of my curiousity is that the couple starts to hear what each of them is saying, feeling and they will start to gain some clarity about why they are struggling to connect.

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How you listen and communicate with your partner is foundational to feeling deeply safe and connected to your partner.

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If you are craving love and intimacy, touch and general fun together, you need to be able to communicate honestly with love in your heart.  You need to know that you might well be getting triggered by your partner, who might be reminding your nervous system that you need to be on alert, as often our partner’s words and tone can sound like our caregivers or parents from when we were young.   And yet you are two adults and often you do not realise how your quick over reactions are in response to situations from your past.

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I always say to a couple to remember this - no one is right or wrong here.    This is just good helpful information you are learning about.   Keep an open mind and get curious about each other. Going into right and wrong will not lead you into loving connection, like ever!

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What will lead you into a loving connection is making time for each other to truly listen by offering a good length of time to share and be heard without any interruption.

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I offer a wonderful Listening practice you might like to try

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Pick a subject that perhaps you have been arguing about or a subject you would like to hear each other’s point of view on

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Set a timer for 5 minutes for each person

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The person listening will ask the question - What have you got on …. (the subject you chose)?

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The other person will start talking

If they pause your partner will repeat the question “What have you got on ... (the subject you chose)?

When the timer goes off you say Thank You to each other then swap positions

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Once you have both had a turn you can gently discuss what you each learned from listening to each other

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When you practice listening to each other without interrupting on a regular basis, you can gently create a whole new way to connect.  One that feels safe, kind, informative and this helps create a pathway back to reconnection and ultimately a thriving relationship.

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