Do you recognise you may be thinking or even saying these words to each other?
We live in quite the most individualistic world ever! We have been through revolutions and wars and more recently a pandemic and we have had our rights literally tampered with and we are more than ever standing our ground about what feels right to us ie each of us as an individual
When it spills into your long term relationship, or honestly to any relationship, it is going to cause a problem.
Relationships between consenting adults need to be taken a look at
What is going so often is when your relationship is not going how YOU would like it to, humans are blaming each other!
And this is getting no one anywhere nearer to what they truly want
One simple way to get your needs met by your partner is to honour the relationship you both have committed to.
And delve into how your nervous system and brain are coping when you get triggered by your partner.
More often than not we are operating from a young part of our brain, rather than the adult part.
Yes I know it sounds complicated, but it is not once you get more education on how humans brains are wired
Four times every second our brains are checking for safety - and of course we are not literally aware of this by the way, but once you understand this at some point you might start to notice how your body is reacting when you are triggered in situations with your partner
First step is always Awareness
In simple terms, if your brain is saying yes I am safe, that is great you will stay in the pre frontal cortex part of your brain which is the adult brain
But if the answer is No I am not safe, we move automatically into fight, flight, freeze or fix. Our brains are being over stimulated and our prefrontal cortex or the adult awareness part of brain shuts down. So we move to sub cortical parts of the brain which are the more primitive parts and that is where you are operating from. All I say quite unconsciously and usually they feel like knee jerk responses when something happens to trigger you! At this time it is impossible to remember our relationship, the Us or the We or the team or whatever you refer to. It becomes all about winning or losing and the whole I’m right, you’re wrong, power struggle stuff is in play!
When you are in the fight flight state you are in survival mode.
Terry Real calls this the adaptive child part of us
It is what you learn to do in childhood when you are faced with your trauma. You cope as only a young person might.
But when a couple is really struggling with triggering each other it is helpful to understand what is actually going on.
Terry Real talks about most adults have lived most of their life out of the adaptive child part of them thinking that they are being mature adults because the young child part of us does not want to use relationship skills, they do not want to be vulnerable or intimate.
It is really only the adult part of us that wants intimacy to begin with and the best course of action here is to take a breath or maybe even 3 or 5.
I often pause a couple when they are just fully in I’m right and you’re wrong and ask them to take three full breaths in and out together. This literally can calm down your nervous system.
And if this doesn’t feel enough, take a break, go for a walk around the block or in nature. And talk to that little boy or girl inside of you and be kind and say loving things acknowledging what you are feeling right now.
It is definitely not ideal to go back into a volatile situation when you become aware you are operating from that young part of yourself!
Wait until you know you are feeling centred and grounded in your adult part of your brain
And yes talk honestly with your partner
But talk about it in a loving non-blaming way coming from that adult part of yourself
Guess what - no one taught us how to do this though!
We need to wake up and take full responsibility about how we talk to our partners
In fact how we talk to any human
Learn more about your communication style and what part of our brain are you operating from
I teach couples how to listen, how to speak and how to navigate with consent anything you would like to honestly speak about, in a way that your partner will be most willing to participate in
Book in for a free Clarity Call, link is above, to see how I might support you with improving your communication style with your partner
I have learned much of this information I am sharing here from reading and studying Terry Real. His latest book is called US - how moving relationships beyond you and me creates more love, passion and understanding
This question is a constant from my clients and I tell them they need to start by being willing to learn how to speak and listen to each other and get curious about what they truly think and feel. I also say it might take time but it is definitely possible if two people are willing to add in new behaviours and let the old ways, that are not working, drop away.
Learn more
It might be helpful to check how much pleasure you, as a female-identified human, are bringing into your space with your male partner, as nourishment and aliveness are wonderful currency for a sustainable relationship
Learn more
Most of us have not been taught how to have pleasurable sexual experiences with each other, let alone speak confidently in detail about our needs. It is a bonus if it makes sense to both humans. Even if it feels uncomfortable and awkward, a couple can feel more deeply connected when they hear their partner voice their feelings openly.
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