The science and research is telling us that couples that maintain sexual connection long term prioritise having regular sexual pleasure together.
Yup its a practice and we need to re think our old ways of viewing it!
We live in a world that has brought up generations of humans who think there is something wrong with them if you don’t feel this constant sexual turn on to your partner.
And hey there is nothing wrong if you like spending time finding out how to make that sexual turn on happen on the regular.
The truth is when we first meet sure we feel attraction and we spend time getting to know each other and experiencing perhaps lots of sexy times together.
Then commitment kicks in and a household is created, perhaps with children, pets, jobs, mortgages and a thing called the day to day life of repetitive things.
And this is what we were expecting I am sure. Yes I love this person and I want to share my life and my family and my day to day experiences with them.
And it is assumed the sexual attraction will just happen.
Herein lies the new piece of information about how does this happen.
It is knowing that you want to share sexual pleasure with your loved one because this is how I show them I love them, and I want to make time for this.
We are all busy right? So it makes sense to agree you want to set aside some of your precious time and energy to devote to sex.
It is also wonderful to focus on having sexual pleasure your way, not how you think you are meant to, or how other people do it, but YOUR WAY!
How this looks is by being able to communicate in a way that you feel comfortable letting each other know what you like, how you like it, or even what you might like to try.
It is about appreciating you might like different things in the bedroom.
It is not up to one person to know what the other needs or wants.
It is not up to one person to always initiate.
It is meant to be a fun and playful activity where two people contribute.
It helps if you practice asking each other great questions, getting really curious about your partner as this creates a loving connection.
It creates a sense of safety to be able to give and receive pleasure.
And it works if you commit and actually DO IT!
This question is a constant from my clients and I tell them they need to start by being willing to learn how to speak and listen to each other and get curious about what they truly think and feel. I also say it might take time but it is definitely possible if two people are willing to add in new behaviours and let the old ways, that are not working, drop away.
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It might be helpful to check how much pleasure you, as a female-identified human, are bringing into your space with your male partner, as nourishment and aliveness are wonderful currency for a sustainable relationship
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Most of us have not been taught how to have pleasurable sexual experiences with each other, let alone speak confidently in detail about our needs. It is a bonus if it makes sense to both humans. Even if it feels uncomfortable and awkward, a couple can feel more deeply connected when they hear their partner voice their feelings openly.
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